Finny's Confusion
by Sybil Rowan
Summary: No one had been very frank with Finny when he was rescued from the scientists. There are several preconceived notions and a lot of shame he suffers under until faced with Snake's romantic advances. (Fem!Finny/Snake) (gender-bending)
1. Chapter 1

Title: Finny's Confusion

Author: Sybil Rowan with lots of help from WingedPanther73

Summary: No one had been very frank with Finny when he was rescued from the scientists. There are several preconceived notions and a lot of shame he suffers under until faced with Snake's romantic advances. (Fem!Finny)

Pairing(s)/Characters: Snake/Fem!Finny

Rating: M

Warnings: I go by the manga where Bardroy is an American and I don't have to deal with Angela. This story deals with the fact that Finny is confused about "his" gender; I'll spell out why. This is a gender-bending story after a fashion. Another **HUGE** note: in this fanfic Madam Red is still alive and hasn't been caught, yet. I obviously will need her (an OB/GYN) to further some of this plot. That, and, well, I just liked her character a lot. Expect an altered canon where Snake and Madam Red meet.

Author's Notes: I'm a Snake/Finny shipper, but this one is a bit different than I'm used to writing. It's my first attempt at a gender-bending story. We'll see how it goes!

Disclaimer: Black Butler is owned by Yana Tobosu.

Beta Reader: None, this go around.

Date: April 2, 2015, 02:01am

Word Count: on going

Part 1:

_I never knew who I was... what I was... until I was free __of them__. No, not even then __did I know everything about __myself__. __There was a part of me __d__ie __Wissenschaftler__ had locked away into a ste__e__l box. __E__veryone believed w__hat__ they saw __of me __from the outside. _

_Everyone__ trusted what I said, because I believed a lie __myself__.__ It wasn't __until __I met that one, special person, my __most precious__ person, that __the __steel __box was cracked open and I learned, __and accepted,__ the truth about myself... __and I learned the truth __about my own... body. __My body... __the thing my soul and spirit live__s__ in. _

_ W__asn't it mutilated __beyond.__.. lov__ing__? __What was he teaching me about myself? _

* * *

"Finny! Out of bed already!" Bard snapped, dragging Finny from his wonderful dream. It was about flying, but this time Bard had stopped him before those shiny, brass bars appeared, keeping him in a small, violet sky.

He opened his wide, green eyes and peered around to see it wasn't quite dawn yet. He stretched and rubbed his blurry eyes with the back of his wrist. His mind engaged and he leaped out of bed, getting Bard's raised eyebrows.

"The hell? You'll break your neck if you ain't careful, kiddo!" Bard was shaving his neck with his straight razor, so he was grumpy over sudden movements. Finny chided himself, once again: think first, and then act. Still, leaping of bed in excitement was something he didn't do all the time. This was one of those special times. His thoughts were on a particular person he wanted to please.

"I need to hurry!" Finny insisted as he threw on random clothing at the foot of his bed and bolted from their shared room. He ignored Bard's angry, yet hushed, chastisements as he ran down the hallway and towards the footman's room beside Earl Phantomhive's suites.

He tried softening his steps as he got closer and gently turned to knob to Snake's bedroom. He'd been given very express permission to enter Snake's room on this morning or he wouldn't have dared. After all, he hated being intruded on, having had it happen so much for the first twelve years of his life.

Snake was shy, too, but they agreed that if Finny were to knock too loud it'd wake up the Earl, and neither of them wanted the "wrath of Sebastian" rained down on their heads. They agreed to trust each other and use time markers. The grandfather clock chimed five, so he knew Snake would be ready to see him.

He slipped in as silently as possible and peered around to see Snake was finishing combing his hair back; a scowl was on his his normally impassive face. Yes, he would be running into Master Ciel's Aunt Frances today. Snake had confided that much over dinner last night in a low grumble. The hair and scowl only confirmed it.

"Good morning," Finny whispered after he shut the door.

Snake gave a slight smile at Finny and set aside his comb; Finny's face suddenly flushed and his heart thudded. He had been feeling more and more this way lately, and he tried to figure out why. He wanted to ask Bard, but he was so nervous because of... there were things in his past that stung and he was terrified of facing them. The idea of even speaking about his past upset his stomach and made him tremble.

"Thanks for helping me out, says Emily," Snake said, interrupting Finny's thoughts and anxieties. "The Marchioness Midford doesn't care for snakes, says Keats."

"Oh no, you're helping me out. Or rather your friends are. Thanks for agreeing to loan them to me today. I'm having problems with moles, so I hope they can get some of them."

Snake waved his hands in the air and said, "No, you're helping me by letting them loose in the garden so they can eat their fill, says Oscar. And yes, Oscar says, they love moles."

"Great!" Finny said enthusiastically and then clapped his hands over his mouth in embarrassment, afraid he had woken Master Ciel. Snake came over and laid a hand on Finny's shoulder. The footman gave a gentle, friendly squeeze. The older teen has been doing more and more gestures like this lately; and Finny's stomach fluttered every time. Finny was so confused by this new look in Snake's eyes he was getting now.

He didn't understand that look Snake gave him or anything about how Snake was acting around him right now. Over the past few weeks, Snake was closer... more pats on the shoulder... more smiles when it was just them, alone... Lots of different things. Finny was wondering why the changes were occurring. Then again, there were so many things in this newer, larger world, apart from die Wissenschaftler he didn't understand.

He lowered his face and took a step back from Snake. Finny was still afraid of letting anyone touch him for very long. Snake lowered his hand from Finny, taking the hint. Again. Finny actually loved it, feeling Snake's hand on his shoulder, but then Finny would freeze, and then they'd maintain that wall between them. That was the pattern over the last several weeks.

Snake, drifted into his normal, impassive persona, clenched his gloved hand tight, and said, "My friends all know what is expected. Thank you for this so much, says Wilde."

"Thanks for trusting me with them. I'll take such good care of your friends. I promise," Finny said, hoping his earnestness carried through, but something in Snake's slight frown told him it didn't. Did Snake not trust him for some reason?

"Wordsworth is a little older. I'm afraid for him while I'm away," Snake said in dire tones. Wordsworth was already at the hothouse, so Finny knew the older snake didn't know what they were talking about.

There was a knock at the door. It was Sebastian sending Snake on to his duties and starting the day for all the servants before he woke Master Ciel. Finny lead the snakes out to the dew covered garden and let them hunt their prey.

He sat on a low, stone wall close by the cistern and tried to sort out why Snake would even want to touch him. He was too changed from what a natural person should be. He shook his head and knew Snake wouldn't know that. He was terrified, though, that the footman would discover what had happened to him one day and reject their new friendship.

* * *

Finny's anxiety and imagination died down after tending the garden over the day. He would pause now and again to watch the snakes play in the garden. He couldn't stop grinning at their antics. He had gotten so distracted that he had almost missed lunch, but Bard brought him a leftover sandwich and warned him Mey-rin was going to chew him out at dinner.

He nibbled the sandwich after Bard left and watched the sunbathing snakes. He smiled until he noticed Wordsworth wasn't among them. He tossed aside the sandwich and called his name over and over. Snake seemed so worried about the elderly serpent. He could NOT leave Wordsworth unattended! He needed to make sure the snake ate and was well!

"Wordsworth!" Finny shouted over-and-over. He finally burst into the hothouse where he saw the inert reptile among the herbs. "Please tell me you're alive!" Finny shouted and did the one thing Snake had told him to never do: startle his friends.

Wordsworth jerked awake and hissed at Finny when the gardener grabbed him up and shook him. Finny gasped and dropped Wordsworth- the snake was an adder, therefor, venomous. Before Finny could check the snake he had just dropped, Wordsworth slithered off into a dark corner and then disappeared.

Finny's stomach felt like a lump of lead, suddenly. His mind started playing scenarios about when Snake would arrive back home. None were pleasant. His vision blurred as he went on the hunt for Wordsworth, panic fueling his shouts and trembling shoulders.

* * *

The sun was setting and Finny was a nervous wreck. He had lost Wordsworth. He probably had hurt the snake, and the Phantomhive footman would be home so soon. In misery, he herded the other serpents into the footman's room and sat on the side of the bed trying to figure out what to do. He took a deep breath and started to sob hysterically while the rest of the snakes settled on a large cushion by the fireplace so they could bed down for the night.

No! He wouldn't give up on Wordsworth!

He patted a few snakes' heads and pleaded with them to stay put before he bolted from the mansion again and into the garden. He started crawling on all fours around the hedges. Finally, his determination payed off. There was Wordsworth, curled up under a bush.

"I'm so sorry, Wordsworth. Please come with me. I promise I'll be careful. Please, please, please," he begged the snake. For some reason, Wordsworth perked up, cocked his head, and then let Finny pick him up.

Finny, as gingerly as he ever could be, took the snake back into the mansion and up to the footman's room. He loved animals so much, and he was terrified he'd hurt Wordsworth. He laid the adder on Snake's bed and tried to figure out if he had any injuries. The snake eventually slithered off the bed and curled up with the others, by the fireplace, that were all sleeping with fat bellies. Finny sighed in relief, figuring that was a good sign.

He flopped back on the bed and let out another sigh. His shoulders untensed and his breathing slowed. His eyes drooped and his long, hard day finally wore on him. Sleep came quickly, regardless of dinner coming shortly or this not being his proper bed.

* * *

_I had the same dream... of flying. It was so wonderful and __I __loved it. But then, the clouds parted and there were shiny, brass bars. I slammed into them, hard, and started tumbling towards the ground. I couldn't see what was below me and I was terrified. I tried to fly again... but I couldn't. I was always destine__d__ to hit that murky darkness __below__ I feared so much. _

* * *

When Finny woke it was murky darkness. There was something around his waist and pressed to his back. There were blankets on him and he wasn't wearing his shoes any longer. His muscles all tensed out of pure reflex, ready to strike, but then he figured it was Snake snuggled behind him when he felt a cool, scaly hand.

How did this happen? A shock went through him as he tried to remember when Snake asked to be here, so close, to him. No memory came at all.

Finny broke out of the protective embrace and rolled off the bed and onto the cold, hard floor. He moved to a corner, rolled up into a fetal position, and hoped beyond hope that Snake hadn't figured out what die Wissenschaftler had done to him so long ago. They had changed him... cut him... made him something very different...

"Ummm... Finny...?" Snake asked as he woke up slowly in response to the suddenly empty, cool bed.

"I'm here... fine... really...!" Finny insisted in a whisper, swiping tears away from his eyes, hoping he couldn't be seen in the dim light. He knew, though, Snake could see in total darkness just fine. His glowing, amber eyes took in everything.

Snake peeled back the blankets, walked over, and sat beside Finny. "You're the worst liar I've ever met. What's going on?"

Finny knew all the snakes must be asleep if Snake was talking without aid from his friends. "Sorry. I was trying to figure out how I got here. You know... staying in your room during the night. I want to go back to Bard."

"You were asleep on my bed when I got back from the Midfords' home. I didn't have the heart to wake you. I told them at dinner you were fast asleep, so they said to just leave you if I didn't mind. Bard saved some dinner I can go get for you."

"Oh," Finny said, balling up a little tighter, wondering if Snake was going to say something further, or just make the offer for leftovers.

Nothing else came. Just a calm, quiet presence beside him. Snake was so peaceful; Finny's anxiety eased off, and his drowsiness came back.

"Did you want anything to eat? I'll get it."

Finny shook his head at Snake's question. "I'm just tired. I should let you get some rest and go back to the servants' quarters," he whispered.

Snake seemed to tense up, and he wouldn't meet Finny's eyes as he pleaded in hushed tones, "Please, just stay here. It'd make so much noise and people know where you are, anyway. Unless... you don't like to be here. I know most people don't care for me or my friends, but I promise we won't hurt you at all."

"No, I like you and I like your friends. I know you and they would never mean me harm." Finny's pulse started throbbing rapidly. Snake's head jerked up, and he gave Finny a baffled, pained look. Finny didn't want to hurt the other servant at all. "I'll stay here." Then Finny admitted shyly, "I want to stay... If you want me to stay."

Snake seemed shocked as he had a slight gasp. He gave a slight smile and reached over towards Finny's hand timidly. He took it in a firm grasp, finally, and said, "I want you to stay with me, here, in this room. If you don't want me close by you because of my appearance, I'll keep my distance. If you want me to stay on floor while you sleep on the bed, I will."

"Don't be silly," Finny said in rush, almost getting to a normal speaking voice rather than a whisper. They both let out sighs when Sebastian didn't come around after a few minutes. "I want to be around you, but I'm afraid you need to keep your distance from me. I'm not a safe person. I'm not what I seem on the outside."

Snake squeezed Finny's hand tighter. "I know you have a good heart. I have faith in that, and I don't give a damn about the rest. You could easily judge my past, and I don't want that. I joined Phantomhive to start anew, even with the hopes of having new friends." Snake stood and gently tugged up Finny. Finny let the older teen tuck him into bed as they were: Snake cuddling Finny.

Finny was afraid though. What if Snake's hands moved around and figured things out about his body? Finny was so frustrated and felt tears leak from his eyes. He wanted this sweet, kind physical touch from this person he'd grown close to, but he was so terrified of horrifying Snake by his past being revealed.

To be continued.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Two German words. Die Wissenschaftler = The Scientists. I'm going to let Gebärmutter be revealed later to add to Finny's stress, but Google it if you really want to know now, to that I think you can't figure it out.

BTW, snakes smell with their tongues that's why I have some description in here.

Finny's Confusion: part 2

Finny felt so warm. He turned towards that warmth and his body actually shivered. He was next to Snake, and the former circus performer wasn't really physically warm at all. It was the warmth under the impassive boy's chilly surface that Finny was responding to; and that's what kept him curious about Snake. Finny knew Snake didn't have a cold heart to match his body.

Snake's sleeping body was icy cold, and, for a fleeting moment, Finny feared the other teen was even dead. Finny felt just the barest hint of a pulse on Snake's neck, so he relaxed a little. After all, he'd been around many, many murdered boys. He flexed his own hands and fought the compulsion to go scrub them raw.

Still, it was hard to think your friend had just died beside you. Finny gasped and propped up on an elbow to take a careful look at Snake's face in the cast light of the embers in the fireplace. He was so very handsome, yet his face was so very stern, almost like a classic statue that Sebastian had shown him during his study times with Mey-rin. Almost heroic, like a knight's statue he'd seen on one of his few trips to London with Master Ciel.

That's when it happened. Again! It was that pain in his lower stomach. It felt dreadful and fear struck him. He may die this time! He couldn't tell for sure! He'd survived four other times before this one. He just couldn't lay here beside Snake and put that burden on the older teen. More than likely, he was going to die from blood loss. He refused to die next to Snake, because he knew that stomach-churning shock of waking up next to someone dead.

This time, more careful, he left Snake's bed and crept down the hallway towards the servants' water closet. He struggled to stand upright, but it was so hard. His back was now in knots, and he suddenly felt clammy. When he locked himself in, it was the same as the other four times before. There was a sudden rush of blood between his legs and his boxers were heavily stained with blood.

He had to cover it up again! He had to push through the pain so he could clean up and hide it. If he died from this blood loss, at least he would refuse to burden others with it. This was something die Wissenschaftler had cursed him with. Who knew what they had done to him to cause this? They rarely talked directly to him. They only referred to him as as "der Hund Anzahl S-012."

He was the most successful in the "S-Gruppe." He had done what they demanded of him, but it was when he had his first bleeding time they grew displeased. The first time it happened, he was still with them. It was just like this one he was experiencing now; it hurt so bad.

Die Wissenschaftler seemed upset and angry at him because they felt this horrible bleeding was going to interfere with their research. They had talked about doing a surgery to remove something from Finny's body. It was called a Gebärmutter... but he didn't know what that was.

He was terrified they were going to do it, carve more out of him. He didn't want them to cut him up any more, but Sebastian and Master Ciel showed up before they were about to do surgery to him in a mere hour. Were die Wissenschaftler trying to save his life and trying to continue what they had done to him, or did they just want to get rid of something in his body and start new, since it didn't seem to match their plans? If they wanted to remove this horrible thing called a "Gebärmutter," wasn't it good that they were going to do it?

He was in such panic! If this thing called a "Gebärmutter" was continuing to harm him, he didn't want it to cause other people problems. It was killing him, little-by-little; he was sure of it! It was killing him! Die Wissenschaftler must have put it in him a long time ago and then it failed- whatever it was supposed to do.

He was still trying to figure out why he hadn't died from this blood loss that happened every now and again. It lasted about four to five days each time, the few times it did happen. If only he could hang on and survive five days this time! He counted himself doomed by die Wissenschaftler to an early death by giving him a "Gebärmutter."

He got cleaned up, but he kept bleeding between his legs, and he didn't know how to really stop it. He used rags to cover things up and planned his day to stay away from people. He even thought about telling Sebastian he was sick so he could go and hide... possibly find a place to die!

Why was this happening to him?! Why had they picked him to do this to?! It wasn't fair, and now he was bleeding to death because of them. He sobbed on the water closet's floor and tried to puzzle out how to hide his blood loss. Hopefully, he'd live through it like the last times.

* * *

Snake looked around the the servants' dining room and didn't see Finny. Bard, Mey-rin, and Tanaka paused eating their breakfast and looked up. Bard gave a small frown and asked, "Where's Finny? I thought he'd be all rested by now."

"He's not with you? I woke up and he had already left, says Oscar," Snake replied.

Bard glanced over at Snake's feet, flinched back, and gave out an "Argggg!" at Oscar's presence. To say Bard didn't care for Snake's reptile friends was a gross understatement. "Put it away!"

Snake ignored the phobic chef and asked, "It's still pretty early for him to start work, says Keats."

"Not another one!" Bard shouted at Snake.

"He might be in the hothouse. I think he had some chores there," Mey-rin replied, ignoring Bard, too.

"I'll check out there, says Emily," Snake said, leaving the dining room.

"And take them with you!" Bard bellowed.

Of course, his friends followed after him, out of the mansion and towards the hothouse. He mentally prodded his friends to seek out Finny. They scattered around the garden, their tongues flicking around in the air, trying to pick up the gardener's scent.

Snake worried when Brontë picked up the scent of blood. Snake's mind focused on where Brontë was; he hurried over towards her to see what she had found. She was behind the hothouse where Finny was curled up and not really paying attention to what was going on around him.

Snake hated the expression on Finny's face. It didn't seem natural in the least. Snake went over and asked, "Are you okay, asks Brontë?"

Finny started and looked up at Snake. "Sorry, I didn't see you there."

"Everyone was wondering where you were, says Oscar." Snake sat beside Finny and he caught the sent of blood in the air himself on the tip of his tongue. Snake gasped and asked, "Are you okay? I smell blood, says Brontë."

"I'm... I'm fine. Really! I was careless and hurt myself, but I'm fine." Finny's face flushed and he didn't look well at all.

"Where are you hurt? Let me look and I'll fix it."

"Please, I'm fine," Finny insisted. He sprang up and ran off into the woods surrounding the Phantomhive estate, to Snake's shock. Snake was amazed to see how fast the boy could move if he was injured, not to mention, and just knock down trees without slowing a bit.

"Ummm... Finny? Asks Keats?" Snake mumbled, trying to process what he had just seen.

* * *

After about two days of not seeing hide nor hair of Finny, and being blocked by Sebastian with so many pointless errands, he was getting irritated. Since he had left the circus, he hadn't found anyone to fill the gap of his deceased friends. He didn't hold the Phantomhive servants responsible; their deaths were all Lord Kelvin's fault.

Finny, though, was so extraordinary among the Phantomhive servants, and he wanted to make sure the gardener was feeling better. Finny could make Snake smile just as he watched the gardener's amazement of discovering the world around him. Snake wondered about that. Hadn't Finny just lived in an impoverished household and taken on this job?

Finny didn't act like a typical urchin, and to knock down trees like that? Jumbo was strong... but Snake was aware Finny had killed Jumbo on that one night... somehow with one blow... some way... There was so much more to the boy than he knew, but he so desperately wanted to know more.

On the fourth morning of Finny's "disappearance" Snake volunteered to help Bard peel potatoes. He had sent his friends out in the woods to eat, so the chef wouldn't be put off. He was in hopes one of them would find Finny, of course.

Snake started the conversation with, "So Finny has been gone a lot, lately. You share a room, has he been in?"

Bard dragged on his cigarette and shook his head. "He's close by. If the earl needs him in an emergency, he'll be right here. Sebastian says Finny needs a few days to himself every now and again, and we're to respect that. It's because of some things that happened to him with those scientists and all. It's happened... umm... three... maybe four times in two years. You know... where Finny gets squirrelly? Anyway, he's doing something necessary, from what Sebastian said. He's getting firewood."

"This has happened before?"

"Yeah. A couple times. But he's always been reliable on the young master's behalf. If something were to happen, he'd show up. He's extremely loyal to the young master. All he's doing is collecting firewood for me, really, so no need to be worried. It's not a big deal."

"He and I had a disagreement, so I really want to talk with him."

"Finny will be back in another day or two. Sebastian said he had that long, and Finny will obey the deadline. He always does," Bard said, tossing a peeled spud in the pot. Snake did likewise.

The story didn't add up in many ways. Snake toyed with the idea of asking Black... no, Sebastian... but he just knew he wouldn't get a straight answer. Best to wait on Finny and ask him why he suddenly left to the woods, especially since Snake was sure the gardener had a bad injury. The smell of blood wasn't in his imagination.

* * *

Sure enough, Finny showed up on the time that Bard had indicated and was hauling, to Snake's shock, a whole sled of firewood. The amount of wood was normally something Snake knew a team of four horses would have to drag from the deep woods, but Finny was dragging the sled just fine.

Bard came up to the library's picture window and said, "Oh good! He's back. I need him to restock the coal bin."

Snake whirled and glared at Bard. "He's not your slave because he can do strange things, and he's too naive to know better."

Bard's blue eyes narrowed in hostility, he puffed on his cigarette and said in a nasty tone, "You don't know what he's been through, and you don't know what he willingly does. You're new here, so I'll tell you this much; don't upset him or you'll have to answer to me. That kid has a big heart that was scarred before, and he doesn't understand a lot of things around him. Don't you dare hurt him!"

Snake clenched his fist and said, "Finny has a lot in common with me! I just know it! Stop chasing me off. I have nowhere else to go, so I have to stay here. Smile..." Snake shook his head, "...I mean Master Ciel wants me here, too."

Bard nodded and looked over at Finny on the grounds, hauling the slay. "He's like the kid-brother I never had, so don't hurt him in any way." Bard's glare grew hard. "You'll regret it if you mess with him. He's been through too much."

Snake felt sick to his stomach and extremely angry at the chef. Why was the man assuming Snake would hurt Finny for any reason? He only liked Finny and wanted to make the younger teen happy. Rather than bicker more with Bard, Snake charged out the room to go see Finny. He missed the gardener after four, long days.

He pulled up short in front of Finny who looked shocked to see Snake. Finny didn't say anything, only looked... embarrassed? Finny's face grew a delightful pink and his charming, green eyes were kept to the ground. "Hello, Snake. It's nice to see you."

"Where have you been?!" Snake demanded; his friends weren't in range yet, but they were coming rapidly because they could feel his aggravation.

"Just gathering firewood for the season," Finny whispered, lowering his face further. Snake didn't miss the tremble in Finny's shoulders underneath that thick horse harness. Snake stuck his tongue out and couldn't detect the odor of blood any longer. Finny had healed.

Snake took a deep breath and fought to keep anger out of his voice. "Why didn't you tell me where you were at?

"Finnian," a deep voice intoned. Snake turned around and saw Sebastian standing behind him with a stern expression. "Tend the wood and coal. Snake, there is a letter than needs to go to Lord Randal at this moment. Please get to your chores."

Snake watched Finny drag the sled off without a word. Snake clenched his hands. This was not what he wanted. He hadn't meant to hurt Finny; now his stomach felt like a stone. Snake looked up to the library window and saw the smoking chef scowl and draw the curtains close.

And because, like he had told Bard, he had no other place he could go, he nodded to Sebastian and went on his assignment.

* * *

_And then it was as if I could only plunge further in the darkness. __I was terrified of it. It didn't seem to end. It was an endless pool that wanted to suffocate me, dominate me! I tried to fly again, but my wings were gone. Someone... no, some people took them. I wanted t__he wings__ back so I could avoid the darkness. I__t__ didn't look like that was in my destiny. _

* * *

Finny started unloading firewood, trying to keep his emotions under control. It wasn't happening, though. Half way through, Finny collapsed on his hands and knees and took deep breathes.

"Finny!"

His head jerked up and he saw Mey-rin running towards him. He felt a relief and a deep sense of need. "Mey-rin!" he shouted and scrambled towards her. He took her in a fierce hug and sobbed.

"What's wrong with you, Finny?" she demanded, giving him a firm embrace.

"I don't know. I just don't know. I feel so strange sometimes."

"You want to talk about it?" she prodded gently.

He wanted to, but he shook his head and said, "Can I just think about it?"

She gave him a charming, sympathetic smile and a pat on the cheek. "I'm always here for you."

Finny nodded and went back to his work as Mey-rin wandered off with a worried expression.

To be continued.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: A snake's mating season is in the Spring so there is an interesting situation that occurs.

Finny's Confusion: part 3

_That darkness I was plunging towards was to be my destiny. I grabbed for the brass bars of the cage. My hands were __scorched__ as if they were __on __fire.__ I t__hought about__ let__ting__ go, but it was the pain of the bars or darkness. At least the bar__s__ of the bird cage I knew! __The darkness was the unknown, and I was terrified __the darkness would__ totally consume me. _

_ I'd lose myself and be devoured by someone else __in that murky darkness below__. Someone __was__ waiting in that darkness for me. __I could see amber, glowing eyes, now. __He was waiting for me to fall. He was watching me. He was getting to know me. When that happened... I just didn't know __him__... __What __did __he wanted from me__?_

_ What was __that person in the murky darkness__ teaching me about myself?!_

* * *

The days stretched into two weeks since Finnian had gotten back from the woods. Both Snake and Finny were kept very busy. Finny, in particular, had many tasks, because the winter was fading away. Therefore, they didn't have any time to talk private, and Bard, with Mey-rin, kept interfering, too. Because of that, he was getting very irritable.

His irritation was complicated, though. He'd never been bothered at the Spring time of the year until this one. Before, he had been aware when snakes had their urges to mate. Now he was starting to feel the urge to find a mate, as well. It was starting to hit him hard.

It was a mild April, and he found himself wanting to find physical companionship so badly. His reptile friends were pairing up, and that created an irritating throbbing in his head. He needed to relieve himself of his sudden, lustful desires! Coupling was more and more on his mind.

Finny was the only one in his head, though. He ached and desired and wanted to... mate! Just like his reptile friends. It was Finnian he kept wanting to be with when he thought on it for any length of time. He was afraid of putting out the offer to be with the younger gardener, because Finny was a boy. He knew that wouldn't be accepted, typically, in the city and society.

Living in the countryside at the Phantomhive household, they had a chance at making something work, if they were discrete. After all, Snake had traveled around with the circus and wasn't surprised at the idea of a male and male coupling. He'd seen many different things.

Doll had mentioned this type of relationship a few times, but Snake was surprised his own desires went that way, too. Before, he hadn't cared one way or the other.

He knew what he wanted! He really didn't give a damn about society if he chose a male for a mate. He'd been rejected over and over by society at large just from his appearance. What was one more thing to the list of things that made him different from other people?

The only thing that held Snake back was how it would affect Finny if they were to grow even closer. Finny appeared normal and harmless. Having a male lover could draw attention to him if they were accidentally discovered. Snake worried about that.

He wanted Finny to be safe and above any criticism this overwhelming attraction could bring. There was a part of Snake that admitted he was actually grateful for Bard and Mey-rin's interference. It caused him to slow down and think things out carefully.

He started thinking of mating as something different, something deeper. Maybe there was something more in Finnian he was seeking out than just what his reptile friends did with each other. He missed talking to Finny, too! He didn't want to feel alone anymore. He had so much loneliness in his life.

He had left the circus to find revenge, but he knew Finny was a rare and precious find in his travels. He had the urge to properly court Finny, not just move on after coupling. That boy was going to end up being his mate come hell or high water, Snake finally decided! Now to plot around Bard and Mey-rin...

* * *

"_I don't care what you are. I like you anyway." _

_I was so startled when the murky darkness beckoned me with this. I fought! How could I trust it when I was tumbling towards it against my will. I fought to cling to the blazing hot, brass bars again. My hands burned as the cool voice below beckoned me with promises of comfort. But I knew the brass bars! I didn't know what lay below! _

* * *

"Finny! Pay attention!" Bard demanded, waving around his own straight razor. "You'll be sprouting hair on your chin soon enough, and you'll want to be rid of it."

"But you don't get rid of your chin hair very often," Finny pointed out with a frown at the chef's stubble.

Bard lathered up Finny's chin with a brush coated in white shaving cream from a mug. Finny's chin was totally smooth and hair-free, but Bard felt obligated to introduce him to one particular ritual of manhood: shaving.

"You never mind my habits and pay attention to what I teach you, kiddo!"

"Yes, sir," he said, feeling ridiculous with a bunch of foam on his face. He guessed Bard was right. He'd be sprouting hair soon, so shouldn't he learn to do this? It seemed like such a pain. He started contemplating growing the longest beard in the history of mankind when it did start sprouting.

He never saw Snake do this, or Sebastian for that matter. Tanaka did shave on a regular basis, but kept a mustache, and Bard was hit and miss with his shaving habits. Finny hoped he was like Snake and Sebastian and wouldn't have to bother with this irritation.

He listen to the shaving instruction about going with the hair and straight down, never at an angle. He scraped the foam off his chin with the razor to Bard's satisfaction and was finally dismissed from his annoying, but kind, lesson.

He launched himself outside and felt great and rejuvenated. Nature always did that for him. It was late afternoon and Bard only let him go because he had to prep dinner. He looked around for Snake. He should be home by now. He was hoping to finally get a moment alone with the former circus performer.

His brow furrowed, he spied around, and decided to go check on Snake's progress home. Over the last several weeks he'd wanted to spend more time with Snake, but now it seemed as if he was avoiding Finny. It was as if Finny were the Black Death! It hurt, and it caused a bit of guilt. This was probably how Snake felt when Finny had gone into the woods. But he couldn't have helped it!

Finny shook his head and ran towards Lord Randal's home in hopes of finding Snake. They could chat on the walk home. He had to make things right between them!

* * *

Snake was holding up his hands and scowling at the four highwaymen with drawn pistols. The idiots didn't care he was Lord Phantomhive's footman. It wasn't as if he held anything of monetary value. It was just a verbal message he carried, and he wasn't about to divulge that.

Smile... Lord Ciel... had given him so much that he'd defend the young lord to the death. That time on the cruise ship had cemented his loyalty towards Lord Ciel and Lady Elizabeth, too.

"The money or your life!" a rough looking man with a sneer and a lofted pistol demanded.

"I have no money, says Keats," Snake replied to the demand.

The burly, grungy men snickered and approached Snake. He was about to send his adders after them, but then something happened to stop his orders to his reptile friends. He kept his snakes near by his feet. He was afraid his reptiles may accidentally hurt the new person on the scene.

Finny had dropped from the trees behind the highwaymen. They startled and turned towards the young teen. It was the look in those green eyes that caused Snake to keep a tight, mental leash on his friends. Maybe he should be more afraid for his reptile friends than his human one.

Heaven knew Snake despised this look in Finnian's eyes. It was such a strange and disturbing, wide-eyed look that almost seemed soulless, wide and empty, as cold and hard as emerald stones. Snake even wondered if Finny could really process what was going on at the moment. So this is what he had heard about Finnian!

Sebastian had made Snake aware this could happen to Finny every now and again. This switch in Finny's mindset was out of necessity to keep the Phantomhive household safe. Somehow, it was designed in his head.

Snake knew he had to keep Finny's back safe. But he had never really witnessed this Finny firsthand. He'd heard what had been whispered by Bard and Mey-rin. Now he knew what they had meant: Finnian could be reduced into a killing machine when provoked.

"Let him go," Finny said in an firm, cool tone with clenched fists.

The four highwaymen laughed and the leader said, "Or else what? You weigh one-hundred pounds soaking wet? What are you going to do to us, boy?"

"Hey, I say we take them down to the docks and sell them off to scrub decks," another highwayman said with an ill-concealed greed that infuriated Snake! It was too much like something Lord Kelvin would do.

"Yeah, come on. We'll get some money out of these two one way or another," a third one said and approached Finny.

Snake was absolutely shocked at what came next. He was about to enter the fray to defend Finny, but that wasn't necessary in the least. Now he witnessed Finny fight for the first time.

It WAS as if Finny was a thoughtless machine. He killed all four with an unnatural speed and strength that was frightening to behold. He whirled through the highwaymen with punches and kicks. Just eight blows were thrown. All by Finny.

That was all Finny needed, it seemed, to take them down. In the fray, skulls did splatter with the force Finny was able to command. It coated Finny in crimson, but the boy didn't back down in the least. The highwaymen tried firing at him, but nothing hit him. Finnian, literally, had snapped all four necks and cracked their skulls in under two minutes. Without a hesitation.

That's when it flooded into Snake's head that, yes, Finnian was extremely dangerous. Now he felt foolish over trying to have coaxed Finny into believing he and his friends were harmless. It really was the other way around: Finny was more deadly than any adder.

Finny, his delicate face covered in blood, looked over to Snake with those eerie, wide eyes. "Are you safe, Mister Snake?"

All Snake could do was nod. Finny crouched down in front of Snake and hunched over as if he were trying get back to his normal self.

Snake was already hearing back reports in his head from his reptile friends. There was no one else around to worry about. They were all safe to move around freely. It even seemed they were shocked at Finny's sudden appearance. That, alone, surprised Snake.

After all, defending Snake was his reptile friends' job, so they were a little miffed. It was their single-minded, animal loyalty to their care-giver. Still, they liked Finny, so they got over it quickly and moved to also try to protect the younger teen, too, if need be.

Snake went over to Finny and drew him away from the four, dead bodies. Finny's eyes were growing from soulless and determined, to baffled and soft. Snake clenched Finny to his chest roughly, because he had an instinct to protect his desired mate. Even though said desired mate was coated in blood.

He detested the fact that Finny felt as if he had to kill on Snake's behalf. It was like being at the circus again, so much bloodshed. He would have killed those men himself to spare Finny. Now Finny had more trauma heaped on his young shoulders.

"You don't have to kill people anymore. I never want to see you kill people for me. Do you want to leave Phantomhive? You'll not have to do that again if we go," Snake said in hushed tones, clenching Finny around his shoulders. Snake buried his face in Finny's soft hair. He was starting to worry because the gardener's body tensed.

"No, for the young master, I will kill. Phantomhive is my home, and I don't want another. That won't change, and I can't be convinced to live anywhere else."

Snake panicked when those beautiful, green eyes rolled upwards. Finny's slight frame collapsed forward. Snake eased him to the ground. No, such a gorgeous face didn't deserve all those blood stains across its alabaster surface. Snake wanted to vow Finny would never suffer like this again, but Finny was determined to stay with the earl. Besides, it wasn't as if Snake had anywhere to take the gardener...

He picked up his intended mate and went towards home when he was sure Finny was stable and only unconscious.

* * *

"Sebastian!"

"Yes, My Lord?" the dark butler replied after Ciel slammed the letter on the dinner table.

"Madam Red is coming for a visit in a couple of weeks. Prepare a guest room for her."

Sebastian sighed and said, "I assume she has the same attendant? Sutcliff?"

"Yes, so make it happen. By the way, where is my footman?"

"Still on his way from Lord Randal's I assume."

"Tomorrow morning I want him to deliver a letter to Madam Red. Let him know when he gets in," Ciel said and then started his dinner.

"Yes, My Lord."

To be continued.


	4. Chapter 4

Finny's Confusion, Part 4

_And I clung harder to those bars and pulled myself higher and higher, f__u__rther away from the murky darkness below. __I was frantic! __My palm__s__ blistered and smolder__ed__ with each grip __as I dragged myself upwar__d away from what lay in the murky darkness._

_ I wanted out of this cage, __though__, and that was an escape__! __But, __I always wanted __to__... I __always__ wanted to fly!_

* * *

Finny startled awake and realized Snake was carrying him up the marble staircase of the Phantomhive manor house. "What's going on? Mister Snake?!" he gasped, wrapping his arms tightly around Snake's neck. It amused Snake how formal Finny could be sometimes.

"We're home, safe, says Emily," Snake said, relishing the arms around his neck, but the grip was a little on the firm side, almost choking.

"But what happened? There were some men with guns pointed at you! I remember that much. What happened? Why are we here?"

Snake gave Finny a narrow-eyed, baffled expression as they entered Phantomhive Estate and walked up the staircase towards the servants' quarters on the top floor. Finny didn't remember much of anything. Snake was glad for that, but he was curious to know why. He didn't want to see Finny startled if he suddenly did remember. He would rather Finny didn't remember, in the long term. Snake kept his silence all the way to the servants' hallway.

He had every intention of taking Finny back to his shared room with Bardroy, but the chef would be too busy at the six o'clock hour to tend to the young gardener. Bard and Snake's relationship was still pretty tense and hostile, anyway. He'd rather avoid the chef because, no doubt, the American would blame Snake for any injuries or trauma to Finny. Snake knew his next decision could get him an ear-full from the American chef, but he couldn't care less.

Instead of the servants' quarters, he took Finny to the private footman's room just off to the side of Master's Ciel's bedroom. Finny didn't protest or question, which Snake took as a good sign. He laid Finny on his bed, took off the gardener's boots, and covered him with a blanket. He stroked Finny's soft hair until he was drowsing. He then went to go report to the young master after mentally asking Goethe to look after Finny.

* * *

Instead of the young master, Sebastian greeted Snake in the library. Snake relayed the reply sent from Lord Randal in response to Master Ciel's question. Sebastian nodded and asked for a few details. Once Snake's job was complete, Sebastian started a conversation that caused a cold dread in the pit of Snake's stomach.

"I'm aware that Finnian actually left the estate and there was something that occurred. No denials, I watched you bring him home."

Snake's face flushed and he nodded, never one to be talkative in the first place. The dark butler smiled in response. Snake had learned to not always trust those smiles from Black... no, Sebastian.

Then Sebastian poured tea, gave the cup to Snake, and said, "I've haven't said this implicitly, but I'm sure you're aware that Finnian is not allowed to leave the estate without the young master's permission or mine.

"He is a very naive child with no judgment. His tender heart can lead him into making foolish decisions. That, and he is employed for a specific purpose, as were Bardroy and Mey-rin. As were you. I have a feeling you're understanding that now."

"Yes, sir, says Keats," Snake said barley above a whisper. Snake was grateful for Master Ciel's acceptance and defense. He was also grateful to have a place after the Noah's Arc Circus was destroyed. He preferred being a footman over being a circus attraction, but he didn't delude himself. He was here because of his reptile friends and his abnormal ability to communicate with them.

After this afternoon, it dawned on Snake there really was more to Finny than met the eye. Finny was strong and quick. He could fight, but his face and stature were so misleading to what dwelt underneath. It prompted Snake to ask softly, "He's something different, like me, ask Wordsworth?"

Sebastian answered simply, "Yes, he is different."

Snake wasn't dense; he knew what was going to be requested next. He asked, "You want me to reject his friendship, don't you? Wilde says, you want me to make sure he is to never follow me off the estate like he did today."

"Essentially, yes. He is not to follow you again. I'd rather you make the request so he takes it seriously. If it gets worse, I'll have a conversation with him. I've always wanted all Phantomhive servants to work like a well oiled machine, but if one of those machines decides he has free will, he'll lose his value to the young master. Friendship is useful because it makes for a tight-knit group that can serve the young master. The young master approves of you growing roots at Phantomhive, except when disobedience springs from it. Do you understand?"

Snake nodded glumly, knowing what that implied. If Finny did this again, there would be dire consequences. He had to get some distance between himself and the gardener. Maybe he had let the friendship grow too deep. But, it just seemed things happened so quickly. Also, the Springtime urges to be with Finny, in a carnal way, were still in overdrive.

"I'll talk to him about not following me any more, says Wilde," Snake offered, starting feel nervous and embarrassed. He should have been more responsible for Finny, but how was he to know the boy would follow him into a dangerous situation?

Sebastian nodded and asked Snake, "Where did the situation occur? It needs to be cleaned up before it can be linked back to Phantomhive servants. I shall tend to that duty. It's too late to send you out on another errand because of this fiasco, but tomorrow morning, be prepared to travel to Madam Red's home."

After he acknowledge the trip to the doctor's home he was to make in the morning, Snake told the dark butler where the fight had occurred, but not what Finny had done. Sebastian didn't ask. He only dismissed Snake.

Snake had a feeling Sebastian knew what he'd find on the wood-lined road, anyway: four, dead highwaymen.

* * *

When he came back to the footman's room, Finny was in a very deep sleep, still covered in gore. Snake didn't mind a mess he could clean later, in spite of his friends not liking the odor coming off of Finny.

He was about to get to his work of cleaning his, hopefully, future mate and change his clothes. He was at the start of that process when Finny came to and shoved Snake aside, hard, spilling over the water pitcher and basin on the floor. Snake was winded and his vision was blurry after slamming into the wall.

"Fass mich nicht an!" Finny shouted and clutched a blanket around his shoulders. Snake rose on shaky feet and fought to catch his breath. Snake was disturbed when his reptile friends slithered to his feet and faced off against Finny. They were not going to allow Snake to get hit again, and Snake's head was too dizzy to ask them to stand down.

Snake nodded slightly getting the hint Finny didn't want him around. He said, "Please, Finny, back off. I can't talk with my friends right now. They may hurt you!"

Finny stood in place by the side of Snake's bed and the expression in his eyes grew from that single-minded coldness into a soft, sorrow. "I'm so sorry, Snake! I never wanted to hurt you! I was just scared and didn't know it was you."

"Just relax," Snake firmly ordered in a gentle tone.

Finny nodded as Snake's friends eased off some. They backed off just a little, but Snake was still uncertain what to do about them. His head was still in a whirl, and he knew they were just responding with animal instincts.

He hoisted Finny into his arms again, this time to keep him away from his venomous friends. He darted out of his room, staggered, and pressed on to the servants' water closet. He was happy he kept a hold of Finny the whole way to the water closet.

By the time they got there, Finny was fast asleep again. A part of Snake was flattered Finny trusted him this much. His plan was to get Finny cleaned up, get him dinner, and then talk with him about not following him on errands.

* * *

_And then it happened! There was a grip around my left ankle. I was being dragged downwards. I clung to the brass bars and endured the pain on my palms. I wouldn't be dragged into the murky darkness without a fight!_

* * *

Snake ran warm water in the tub and got everything ready, including fluffy towels and bath salts. He started to gingerly remove Finny's clothes as he lay on the tiled floor, not wishing to wake him. The shirt was not a problem, but he was surprised by two extreme, thick scars on the bottom side of his pectoral muscles. There were other scars, but these two stood out the most.

Something told Snake to wake Finny and go no further, but he felt like Psyche with Cupid in that old Greek myth. His desire to find out more about Finny got the better of him. Moments later, he wished he had resisted the temptation.

To be continued.

A/N: Fass mich nicht an = Don't touch me


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: My husband, WingedPanther73, has been editing this since Part 2. Sorry I didn't mention that earlier. This chapter is a set up for the coming confrontation.

Finny's Confusion, Part 5:

Snake had to make a quick decision, now that he had stripped Finny bare and had seen something that baffled and shocked him. Snake could modestly clean Finny, get him dressed, and tuck him in bed; all the while, Snake would have to hope the gardener didn't wake up. Or, Snake could back out of the water closet and forget the curiosity laying before him on the cold, black and white checked tile: Finny's nude body.

Finnian's torso had been clearly mutilated for some reason, but it look male. Snake could clearly see it now that Finny was without clothing. But it was what was missing below the hips that told main part of the story of what Finny was hiding. There was nothing male there, only female. He averted his eyes quickly so he didn't take in too many details, but he certainly could tell Finny wasn't a boy. He wished he'd minded his own business now!

He thought about calling for Mey-rin so she could finish taking care of Finny, but he doubted the maid knew Finny was... a... a female... of sorts. Mey-rin always referred to Finny as a "he." Same with Bard. He couldn't bring himself to think of Finny as anything but "he," even after seeing the most intimate anatomy between the legs of the younger teen.

Snake carefully, quickly, cleaned Finny of the bloody, highwaymen gore and dressed him in a shift from the linen closet. He hoped his luck continued, and Finny would remain unconscious. He was about to take Finny to the footman's bedroom, but Snake froze and headed back towards the general servants' quarters. He carefully tucked Finny into his own bed. He made sure there were blankets and pillows, but he left Finny wearing nothing but the shift. He was too afraid of waking Finny to dress him... her... properly. Snake slipped out before Bard came around after the dishes were cleaned.

Snake quietly went to the footman's bedroom and sat on the edge of his own bed. He was grateful he was a footman and had to stay in the tiny room next to Master Ciel in case there were emergency dispatches; he needed some privacy to think right now. He needed time to digest what he now knew about Finny.

Why had Finny lied to him, and most likely, the others? He had never heard the others even hint at Finny being a female. Heck! Snake could always smell the difference between the genders, but his senses had failed him this once. Why?! Oh! It was because Finny must not have menstrual cycles like normal females.

He had been played for a fool by Finny, and Snake had believed the lie he had been told! Yes, now he understood! He did remember a few weeks ago when he thought Finny was hurt, but now he felt so duped. That sent of blood must have been a female's menstrual cycle and not some gardening injury.

He ruled out asking Bardroy, Mey-rin, and, well, it went without saying, Tanaka. It went without question he would never even dare to ask Master Ciel or Lady Elizabeth about Finny, even after that goodwill Snake had built up after that traumatic, cruise ship fiasco. Snake did want to confront Finny and figure out why he was lying. If there was a really good reason, Snake didn't want to ruin Finny's cover.

The only other option of people to ask would be, of course, Sebastian. If anyone knew Finny's secret, it would be the Phantomhive butler. Snake knew the butler had his own agenda, he had made that clear, and would only reveal what he deemed necessary to the other servants. Snake felt some despair creep in.

Snake's mind came back around to wondering why Finny would perpetrate such a giant lie. Was he... or she, rather... being hunted and need to hide? When Finny was away didn't Bard mention something about Finny coming from some laboratory with a lot of scientists? Finny was infinitely more complex than Snake had first thought. Finny wasn't a common, poor street urchin at all.

Still, the fact remained that Finny had lied to him and was living a large lie. Snake calmed his mind when his friends crawled on the bed with him. They were acutely aware of Snake's bewilderment and consternation. After all, this was someone he desired as a mate, and now, he had to really think on that.

It wasn't so much Finny's gender that was bothering Snake, after the initial shock washed away, it was the lie Finny perpetrated that "he" was male. Snake would have accepted Finny as a male or female... or anything! Finny was a gentle, precious soul; he was someone Snake had grown to sincerely care about.

Snake knew his feelings could be the same towards Finny: male or female, but Finny had to have honesty. Snake had had too many lies told to him at Noah's Arc Circus. Those lies, told by Lord Kelvin and Joker, had harmed many children, and that's why he had an aversion to lies now.

He would have to protected Finny's secret closely, until he got to the bottom of this, but obviously the younger boy... girl... didn't trust him. That stung him unlike anything else, because Finny had seemed so open to him from the first day Snake had arrived. Finny had seemed so unguarded and kind, never once turning away from earning Snake's friendship.

Then there was a suspicion tinged with jealousy. Bard and Finny had been sharing a room for two years! How did Bard not know what Finny really was?! Surely the man knew! It made no sense. Snake shook his head in aggravation as his reptile friends started fooshing their tails back and forth, mimicking Snake's frustration. Maybe that's why Bard was chasing him off from Finny? Maybe the chef did know and had plans to be with Finny?!

He let out a huge sigh. He was so disappointed. He'd been lied to too much in his life. He couldn't risk believing any more lies, no matter who the person was. He would ignore Finnian for a while and treat their relationship in a formal, professional way.

At least, until Finny told him the truth about everything. That would be the only way Finny could re-earn his friendship. There was only one problem with all of this.

Snake flopped back on his bed and try to stop that steady drumbeat in his head to mate. He fell into a fitful rest and planned to leave Phantomhive Estate before Finny woke tomorrow morning. Madam Red was planning an earlier visit, so Snake had the excuse of going to fetch her personal effects and escort her. He was grateful to get out of the house.

He just needed time to think without looking into those beautiful, green eyes of Finny's.

* * *

_ It was a strong pull downwards, towards the bottom of the brass cage! I found the pull so hard to resist. One I needed to resist! I struggled against him, the one at the bottom of the cage, but I was falling towards him as he slithered in the murky darkness of the cage's bottom. I noticed something else now. That... creature... below had these dingy feathers around his back. Maybe I couldn't resist him after all if he could fly?_

_ He urged me, saying, "Let go and fall towards me when you're ready."_

_ "I'm not ready!"_

_ "You will be soon. And when you are ready to fall, I'll catch you."_

* * *

Finny jarred awake and tried to sort out his thoughts. Where was he? The servants' quarters. What time was it? Some time at night. Bard was in his own bed reading an American comic book by candlelight.

Finny then wondered what he was wearing? A plain shift and nothing else, he realized with a sinking feeling in his stomach. That meant someone had stripped him, changed his clothes, and tucked him into bed. That suddenly made his heart race in panic and lead to his next question. Who had changed his clothes and had brought him to bed? Surely, who ever it was, had seen...

Only Sebastian knew the details about all of his body alterations, but the butler was very firm. Finny must hide the knowledge about some of what had been done to him; Finny was to be like every other boy in the world. He wasn't allowed to talk to anyone about some of the changes die Wissenschaftler had made to his body.

Only Bard and Mey-rin, his closest friends, knew about his strength and that was it. Master Ciel, too, but that was different. Finny tried hard to obey Sebastian, but sometimes he wanted someone to confide in. Still it would be so hard to talk about because of all the shame that weighed him down.

"Bard?" Finny hated the tremor in his own voice.

"Oye! Kiddo, you startled me. You were out like a light when I got here. I came up after dinner service and you were already tucked in. You want to eat something?"

"I'm starving, but I have to ask something. You didn't bring me here, did you?" Finny drew the covered around his shoulders tightly, his face flushing.

Bard put aside his comic book and shook his head. "It wasn't me. Not sure about that." Bard then got out of his bed, threw on a robe, and said, "Sebastian said you wandered off the estate today, though. Not good, kiddo. You know you have to stay close."

"I had a reason. Snake was late. I needed to check on him. He was in danger with highwaymen!" Finny's heart thudded painfully in fear. That meant several things. He disobeyed a rule and left the estate without permission. He'd be in real trouble for that.

He may have hurt those highwaymen. Frequently, he did NOT want to remember when he had to fight. He did remember most of the times, though, like when he killed Snake's friend Jumbo, but he hated to remember. To tell the truth, he remembered all too much. Now, flashes of memory over this afternoon came to his head.

Also, this whole thing implied Snake was the one who had brought him here, had cleaned him up, and had changed him in a shift. Finny groaned and started trembling at the idea. His stomach clenched painfully and panic wouldn't stop. He fought the urge to throw-up.

"Bard, I'm not hungry any more," Finny said, knowing he wouldn't keep anything down. Bard paused, shrugged, and got comfortable in his bed again. Finny drew the covers over his head, but peeked out a little into the dim room. "So... you think... it was... Mister Snake?"

"Snake that did what?"

"Brought me here?"

"Stop mumbling, Finny," Bard groused at him, and then he sighed with a nod. "Probably. He's the only one you've been hanging around so much lately. Mey-rin didn't know anything about it, so I guess it was him."

Finny's panic went into overdrive. That would mean Snake would know things! After all, Finny knew he was naked under the shift. He burrowed deeper under the covers in spite of the unusual Spring humidity. Finny just knew Snake now had to be aware of the mutilations done to his body! That they had removed... something... from him... That he wasn't like normal boys any more.

He turned his back to Bard as his heart thudded painfully. Eventually, Finny heard Bard's rhythmic breathing and knew the American chef had fallen asleep. The room grew darker as candles burnt out. Finny's mind still couldn't rest. All he wanted to do at this moment was burst into Snake's room and explain what die Wissenschaftler had done to him when he was a very small child... even though he wasn't clear on it himself. He had never really spoken about it clearly, and he knew if he did that, Snake would feel repulsed by him.

Maybe after breakfast he'd get a chance to explain himself. He just had to be patient, but that wasn't coming. He needed to know if Snake actually had seen his body! What if he had seen the horror below his waist? His body was covered in scars, and he wasn't bothered too much by that, but what had happened between his legs would make him a target for rejection, ridicule, and recrimination.

His shame was great, but he'd have to wait to explain his body to Snake. Finny had to admit he wasn't sure himself of everything that had happened. He had tried to sort it all out, but it was just to painful to think on for any length of time. The only person with answers, Sebastian, was always too kind and persuaded him to not think on that topic at all.

His mind came up with all sorts of explanations about why he was so different, but nothing seemed right. He only fell asleep when he vowed to be more forthright with Snake in the morning. But that was also nerve wracking in itself.

* * *

Snake was gone on the errand to fetch Madam Red and Grell Sutcliff earlier than what she had originally planned. Master Ciel loved his maternal aunt, but he never liked surprises. Therefor, the young master was very grouchy. All the servants were keeping busy to avoid his and Sebastian's scrutiny. Finny's worry over what Snake had seen was a huge distraction as he tried to finish the planting in the vegetable garden.

He pushed his sun hat off the top of his head and saw a dust cloud in the distance. His eyesight wasn't nearly as good as Mey-rin's, but he could tell that was a carriage with the visitors expected: Madam Red and... yes, Finny groaned inwardly... Grell Sutcliff. Finny just hoped Grell had stopped with all of his suicide attempts.

Finny's stomach did a flip-flop. That meant Snake was coming back home with them, and Finny would finally have a chance to explain away what the reptilian boy may have seen yesterday evening. He steeled himself and quickly finished his job of planting vegetable starts for the season. He ran upstairs, washed off all the dirt, and got into fresh clothing.

He joined Bard and Mey-rin at a greeting line before the front steps of the mansion. He forced himself to breath when he saw Snake ride beside the carriage on a horse. Not only was he nervous about talking to the older boy, but he was truly glad to see him again. Though, Finny was disturbed by something. There was no eye contact. Snake was not looking at him at all.

Finny would usually giggle at the huge hug Madam Red would give Master Ciel after she got out of her carriage, but his amusement was cut when Snake stormed off towards the stables with his horse. Grell Sutcliff followed, who was driving the carriage.

After Madam Red dragged Master Ciel into the mansion by the collar, Finny bolted off towards the stables, ignoring Bard and Mey-rin's calls. Snake was leaning against the stable beside the doors and looking rather thoughtful.

"Hello, Snake! I wanted to see you!"

"Finny, we have to talk. Away from all this. After dinner. Behind the hothouse, says Oscar."

"But, Snake... Please listen to me. I need to talk to you now! It's important you understand that I..."

Snake firmly put his finger over his own lips to silence Finny as Grell came bounding out of the stables. Snake's posture straightened. Snake nodded to Grell and said, "We should go finish getting your mistress settled."

"Yes! Excellent. So, is Sebastian around? I do need to thank him for all of his hospitality on our last visit," Grell said. Snake motioned towards the mansion without giving Finny another glance.

After Grell left with Snake, the butler chattering with the silent footman the whole time, Finny lowered his head in disappointment. He hated having to wait rather than get this off his chest. He was so utterly miserable.

And that led to so many mistakes helping out with the dinner service. He ended up getting chewed out by Sebastian, and that only made him feel worse.

To be continued.


	6. Chapter 6

Finny's Confusion, Part 6

Finny crouched in the dark pantry, his face was blazing hot. He'd made the most embarrassing mistake ever. While he was carrying in Madam Red's bags, he had swirled around too quick and knocked her down into Master Ciel. Sebastian, though, was quick as lightening and immediately righted the two. The dark butler then glared at Finny, castigated him, and sent him to the rest of his tasks.

He felt so lost in all the wild commotion swirling around the mansion when he normally loved parties. He was still worried about what Snake had seen, and he couldn't be at peace until he had answers. He hadn't spotted the former circus performer before the formal dinner had started.

Also, Grell Sutcliff seemed to only add as much chaos as Bard and Mey-rin combined. Finny had hoped hiding away in the pantry would help calm things down. He was finished with his tasks, so he shouldn't be missed. Anyway, Sebastian had a knack for finding him when needed.

Currently, Bard would be busy with the desserts of chocolate and fruit; Mey-rin would be busy with the coffee and nightcaps. Tanaka had already turned in, of course. Grell seemed busy with chasing after Sebastian for some reason Finny didn't understand. He, however, hadn't seen Snake at all, nor his reptile friends, even after dinner.

His stomach started aching horribly as his mind worried more over what Snake had seen last night. Finny started hoping it was actually Sebastian that had tucked him rather than Snake, but he had a sinking feeling that wasn't the case. Finny started talking himself into sneaking to his bed and just hiding away from Snake.

He knew he should start heading out towards the back of the hothouse like Snake had asked, but the potential talk started to loom so large and dark in his mind. He had wanted to blurt out everything, but now, after some time, all he wanted was to be silent and hide. Fear of what Snake was thinking of him had taken over.

He tried to rise to shaky feet, but he flopped back down to his rump when he saw Wordsworth. The elderly serpent slid up to Finny and nudge his triangular head against Finny's soft arm. Oh wow! Finny was amazed the serpent had forgiven him and was being so kind.

Finny took a breath and explained nervously to Wordsworth, "I can't go see your friend right now. He frightens me!" Then he clamped hands over his mouth. When he calmed down he gave a gentle pat to Wordsworth's head and stood. "I just... I just can't... I like him too much to let him know what happened to me. It's better he never knows."

With that, Finny bolted from the pantry and tried to find a place he could foil Snake's friends. He hid in the Phantomhive Estate's boiler room. After all, it was so hot downstairs in that small space. Surely Snakes friends would keep out! He crouched down in the shadows of the room. The steamy room started lulling him into a nap.

* * *

Oscar, Keats, Emily, Wilde, Brontë, and Dan all perked up from their nice steam bath when they heard a human stifling tears. They all poked their heads out from under the nice warm boiler, fooshing their tails in irritation at being disturbed.

It was Snake's human friend, the gardener. He was certainly a noisy human boy, but he treated them well. Besides, they all could sense Snake was extremely fond of the younger boy. Humans rarely came down to this snakes' paradise so they mentally called out for Snake to come and check on the gardener.

* * *

_ My hands slipped off the hot brass bars, and I plunged down towards the darkness at the bottom. I couldn't scream or move. All I could do was fall towards those amber eyes below. _

_ I was falling now, and I couldn't stop it. What was to happen next? Being next to that mysterious creature... waiting on me. It was inevitable. I was to be next to him for a very long time. _

* * *

Snake paced back and forth behind the hothouse. He had gotten more and more worried over Finny. The gardener had had a hard night after knocking over Master Ciel's aunt. Snake was certain Finny was taking his clumsy mistake hard. What Snake was worried about was that Finny desperately wanted to talk about last night at the worst possible time. This was a better time with more privacy, after dinner and by the hothouse.

He had sent Wordsworth to go find Finny when it was starting to grow very late at night. It seemed like forever before he heard Oscar, Keats, Emily, Wilde, Brontë, and Dan's mental voices calling in his head. The serpents had watched Finny hide by the boiler. Wordsworth finally had found Finny in the boiler room and joined the others in basking in the steam. Snake asked them to prod Finny from hiding, but they said they couldn't. Finny was in a deep sleep and ignoring the serpents. Snake, it seemed, had to go to Finny.

Snake gritted his teeth and followed their mental call. It was coming from the steamy boiler room, so Snake was baffled why Finny would be hiding there. It was way too hot for a mammal, though it was his friends' favorite place in the whole manor house.

Snake crept into the basement, grateful every person had seemed to have turned in for the night. Except for Sebastian. Snakes' friends had long since reported to him that the dark butler never seemed to sleep, just wandered the manor house at all hours. He avoided Black's... no, Sebastian's... normal path.

He crept into the boiler room and found Finny balled up in a corner, fast asleep. He crouched down in front of Finny and touched his shoulder. Finny started awake, looking absolutely frightened.

Finny wouldn't meet Snake's eyes and stammered, "I... I fell asleep down here and... Wait! How did you know I was here?"

Snake pointed towards his friends who's heads were poking out from under the boiler.

"But... it isn't too hot in here for them?" Finny asked, trying to get rid of some of the moister droplets on his forehead, but his sleeve barely did any good.

Snake repressed a sigh and shook his head. "The warmer, the better. This is their favorite place in the house because it's so warm, Wordsworth says."

"Oh," Finny mumbled numbly.

"Why didn't you meet me, Brontë asks?" Snake prodded.

Finny almost looked in pain. His skin was glowing red from the steamy heat, and it occurred to Snake how uncomfortable it must be for a regular mammal in this room. He stood and held out his hand to Finny. Finny look horribly upset over something. He was trembling when he gingerly took Snake's hand. He tugged Finny upwards and insisted, "We need to talk."

* * *

They had ran into Bard, and Finny had to explain that he needed to talk to Snake in private. That didn't go over well with the American chef. Snake kept quiet to not antagonize Bard further. Bard had been looking for Finny since it was time to tuck in and he'd been missing. Finny promised to be back to the servants' quarters soon when Bard griped about Finny gallivanting around at all hours with Snake.

That made Snake feel judged, but Finny made a very sincere plea that there was something he had to explain to Snake. Bard finally backed down and said they had to get back in a couple of hours... or else... This was just as Snake's reptile friends were drifting off to sleep and he no longer had the press of their voices in his head. It was just him that would be speaking until at least one of them woke up.

Snake ignored Bard's threat, but still got angry with the American chef all over again. He wished the man would give him the benefit of a doubt when in came to Finny's well being. They slipped away to the center of the garden and sat on the edge of the moonlit water fountain. Snake let Finny pick the place so he... or she... would be most comfortable. Snake desperately hoped Finny would confess the lie and they could continue their friendship... maybe even further it.

"Last night, was it you who cleaned me up and tucked me in bed?" Finny's soft voice was almost drowned out by the tumbling water of the fountain.

"Yes. I was as quick and as discreet as possible. I swear I was very respectful of your person, and I'll keep your secret. I just ask that you at least be truthful when it's just the two of us. I despise lies. Lies never lead to anything that is wholesome or enlightening," Snake explained.

Finny flinched and looked up at Snake with utter confusion. "Lies? I mean... I'd understand... if things... a misunderstanding." Finny shook his head. "I don't understand what you think I'm lying about."

"Finny," Snake said, hating his own disapproving tone because those green eyes of Finny's looked so utterly confused. Snake talked softer. "I saw all of you... without clothes. I know you have a secret. I know you're really a girl."

Finny just stared at him for several long moments, then shook his head vigorously. His expression had gone from shock, to fear, to anger. He burst out, "How could you be so cruel to me?! How could you accuse me of that?! It's not true!"

Snake was taken aback at Finny's offense. His staunch denial of the obvious was strange. "There is no denying you were born a girl. I..." Snake's face grew hot, "I know what I saw... or didn't see... when I cleaned you. I'm just telling you that I saw the truth. You don't have to hide with me."

"You don't understand," Finny's demeanor grew so utterly dark. "I'm not... I was... I was..." Finny's chest seemed to tightened as he said, "I was a boy... am a boy... but die Wissenschaftler... they... they changed me. They took away things, but I swear I'm a boy!"

"Hun?" Snake's head drifted sideways as he tried to make sense of Finny's resolute declaration. "Finny, I promise. You're a girl. Naturally born."

Finny shook his head vigorously. "I can't be that way... a girl. They always called me 'der Hund' which is male. And there were only boys there with me. I'm not a girl! They hurt me down there and they took.. took what made me a boy... cut me... cut me up!" Finny froze and shivered. His expression grew cold and empty. "Do you understand now? I am a boy, but they experimented on me."

Snake steadied himself and realized with a sudden shock that Finny truly believed he was born a boy and that those scientists had changed him into being a female of some sort. Snake shook his head. "Do you remember them actually changing your body?"

The question seemed to calm Finny into a more reasoned state. Finny's brow furrowed, and he was silent for several long minutes. "I can't remember the actual time they did it. I do know I am a boy. It's just they changed me when I was very little," Finny insisted.

"Why do you think that? Is it because they told you that?"

Finny sighed glumly. He seemed to shrink into himself and move a little way from Snake. "I never knew the reason they did anything to me. All I know is that it always hurt."

"I promise I know what I saw last night. You're a girl," Snake said, feeling weird over arguing with someone over their gender. But Finny was so unique, it was worth Snake's every effort to heal this deep hurt inside of younger boy... no, girl. "What they mutilated was your breasts, not what was between your legs."

"I just can't believe you," Finny said firmly. "I mean... those scars are from fighting. Maybe... I don't really remember."

Then he came along, startling both Snake and Finny.

Madam Red's butler, Grell Sutcliff, wandered around the fountain and shook his head. "What an interesting conversation." They both started at the black clothed man with his brunette hair tied back with a giant, red bow. Snake could tell Finny's pulse had accelerated. "You know there is someone here you could ask that would settle your argument definitively."

* * *

"Oh, Grell, why?" Madam Red asked, giving her butler a cross look. "I've always assumed the gardener was a boy. It's highly irregular to hear that he's presumed a girl, and you want me to confirm these facts? Especially, at this hour at night? It's almost midnight."

They were in the sitting room of Madam Red's guest suite. Everything was under low lighting, and her bed was turned down and waiting for her. She even had a book and a glass of merlot waiting on her nightstand. But behind the irritation she was showing her "butler," she knew she had better not ignore him. After all, he had found her and raised her up at the lowest point in her life. He was her partner in deep sins, and she had to accommodate him from time to time.

"Let's just say I'm asking a favor for a friend, and it'll benefit your nephew in the end," Grell said. Then his voice dropped low. "Besides, we still have our agreement." He took her hand and gave it a slow, sensual kiss. "You remember we protect one another, right? I do your chores and you do mine, right?"

She pulled away slowly with a grim expression. "Yes," she answered in a brittle tone.

It was the middle of the night when she came out of her guest rooms and and summoned the shivering child towards her. Those large, green eyes were so beautiful and held so much fear. She wrapped an arm around the shoulder of her nephew's gardener. She then looked at the reptilian boy and said, "Footman, why don't you say that the gardener has a stomach ache that was bad enough to see a doctor. I'll be attending him."

The footman rose from the chair he'd been sitting in and nodded. He glanced at Finny, but said nothing. He ran down the hallway, something seemed to be burning on his mind.

Grell nodded, too, and said, "I best leave you to your new patient. Anything else, Madam?"

"No, I'm good. Give me about an hour. Give Sebastian a report that the gardener is ill. Will you?"

"Of course, Madam," Grell said with a bright smile.

* * *

"Alright, I did your dirty work, Bessy," Grell griped, meeting Sebastian in the library still in his plain butler form, which he hated because he had wanted to primp for Sebastian. "Why all this charade anyway?"

"Because I miscalculated something within humans," Sebastian admitted, a rarity for for the demon butler.

Grell crossed his arms and eagerly asked, "What was that?" He'd loved to hold something over Sebastian's head.

"Due to Finnian's trauma I had always found it easier to let her believe she was boy. I never disabused her of that notion because it would have disrupted everything I've constructed here. However, there's been a new player introduced to the Phantomhive household recently."

"The footman!" Grell said, starting to catch on. "Ah... you never accounted for Snake."

"Yes, I never anticipated the young master hiring him, which I do approve of, because Snake has some wonderful attributes that are very beneficial to Phantomhive. The wrinkle comes in the form of an attraction that has grown between Finnian and Snake.

"Now, I have to let Finnian know she is a girl before things progress further between her and Snake. The shock of them discovering the truth by accident may be too much for them to handle. It would disturb the balance between my carefully hand-picked servants. Madam Red can ease Finnian into the idea that she's not who she thinks she is because Finnian has been trained to obey and trust doctors above all else."

Grell chuckled a little and said, "That's the problem with you demons; you were never human, therefore you don't take into account those things like love and attraction. Not like my kind." Grell leaned closer to Sebastian, but he disappeared into the shadows too quickly.

He glowered and marched off to his temporary quarters where the other male servants slept. He let Bardroy know Finny was "ill" and being looked after by Madam Red. The man seemed to take the information in and go back to sleep. Grell sighed in frustration and settled into a bed. He had hoped Sebastian would give him a reward rather than be so cold.

To be continued.


End file.
